| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sarah saying shut up to her computer...lololol |
] |
lolololol....I DIDNT WRITE THIS.....but its freaking hillarious...
Jerry Springer
"You're making me Miserable!"
By Mercedes Asp
Jerry:
Hello, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show. Today we have a special guest, with a heartfelt story of grief, trials, and tribulations. He's been persecuted for years by the police, and here he is now! Straight from 19th century Paris, give him a hand folks, Jean Valjean!
(Valjean walks down to the stage and sits on a chair, the crowd goes wild and cheers.)
Jerry:
So, Jean, can I call you Jean?
(Valjean nods.)
Jerry:
So, Jean, can I ask you what your problem's all about? How did this trouble start?
Valjean:
In 1796, I stole a loaf of bread to feed my sister's hungry family. Then I went to jail, and was finally released in 1815.
Jerry:
Are you telling me that you spent almost *20* years in those filthy prisons? Why so long?
Valjean:
I tried to escape, several times.
(Audience gasps.)
Jerry:
You tried to escape… Why would you do that, if you already knew the trouble you could get into?
Valjean:
I needed to get back to my Sister, she needed me.
Jerry:
And, when you were released, did you re-join your sister?
Valjean:
No.
Jerry:
Why not?
Valjean:
I couldn't find her.
Jerry:
Well, we did a thorough search, combed the streets of Faverolles, looking for your sister, Jean, and…
(Valjean perks up.)
Jerry:
we couldn't find her either.
(Valjean frowns.)
Jerry:
But, we did find someone who we think you may know.
(Jerry smiles an evil smile.)
Jerry:
Come on out… Inspector Javert, of the Paris Police!
(The audience cheers loudly, Javert enters, Valjean gets up and throws a chair at him, Javert dodges the chair, attacks Valjean, trying to strangle him, Valjean fights back, they have a struggle, the audience chants "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" until security people come and tear the two men away from each other, sitting them down on opposite sides of the stage.)
Jerry:
Wow. It seems we have a lot of pent-up anger here. So, Javert, you are the actual person who has been tracking down Jean all of these years.
Javert:
Yes.
Jerry:
But.. why?
Javert:
He is a criminal.
Valjean:
I stole a piece of BREAD, for God's sake!
Javert:
You also tried to escape 4 times, and broke parole besides that. Then there is the matter of Petit-Gervais, and you went under an alias for several years.
(The audience gasps.)
Jerry:
Fellas, fellas, calm down, now. Javert, admit it, this was a while ago. Why can't you put the past behind you, and leave Valjean alone?
(The audience cheers.)
Javert:
No matter how long ago it was, Jean Valjean is still convict #24601. That will never change. 'Crime levels those who it infects'.
Valjean:
No matter what you say, I HAVE changed! I am a better man now! Why can't you accept that?!?
Javert:
Because it's not true. Men like you can never change. NEVER!
Jerry:
never change?
(Javert nods.)
Jerry:
Javert, did you know that Jean Valjean has a daughter now?
Javert:
Um, no…
Jerry:
Well he does. And here she is! Euphrasie Valjean, come on out!
(Cosette enters.)
(Cosette frowns.)
Cosette:
Euphrasie Valjean? That's not my name, I am Euphrasie Fauchelevent.
Jerry:
Valjean, 'Fauchelevent'? Do you have an explanation of this?
Valjean: It's an alias I use.
Jerry:
Jean Valjean, I don't believe this! Your daughter doesn't know her own name! What else have you been keeping from her, what else!? Euphrasie-
Cosette:
Call me Cosette.
Jerry:
Cosette - Do you know who this man is?
Cosette:
He's my father. That's all I know.
(Valjean mumbles something.)
Jerry:
Speak into the microphone, please.
Valjean:
Cosette is not my daughter.
(The audience gasps.)
Cosette:
Papa! What do you mean?
Valjean:
I adopted Cosette when she was 8 years old.
(Cosette gasps.)
Javert:
See? He doesn't tell the truth to his own dependent, how can I trust him to tell the truth the rest of the time?
Valjean:
I didn't tell her for her own protection! She's suffered so, I couldn't stand to see her suffer any more by knowing the awful truth about me.
Jerry:
(sarcastically) For her own protection. Jean, don't you think she has a right to know who she is? Don't you think she has a right to know who she's living with? Don't you think she deserves that much?
(Cosette is crying.)
(Jerry hugs her, comforts her.)
Jerry:
Shh…shh… It's ok.
Cosette:
(*sob*) And if it's bad enough that he doesn't tell me anything about us… He won't let me have a life either!
Jerry:
Have a life? Please explain…
Cosette:
He keeps me inside the house all the time. He won't let me go out and do anything!
Valjean:
I couldn't risk Javert finding us!
Cosette:
WHO ON EARTH IS JAVERT?!?!?!?!? (**webmistress's note: this line was altered)
(Javert waves at her.)
Javert:
That's me.
Cosette:
Oh.
Jerry:
So he keeps you locked on the property? Don't you have any friends?
Cosette:
Just Marius. Oops!
(Cosette claps her hand over her mouth and blushes.)
Jerry:
Marius… and he is…
Cosette:
My boyfriend.
Valjean:
WHAT???
Jerry:
Monsieur Marius, come on out!
(Marius enters, sits next to Cosette. They hold hands, nuzzle, fondle, et cetera.)
Audience:
ooooOOOOoooo…..
Jerry:
Ok, Marius, now, you sneak in to see Cosette behind Valjean's back?
Marius:
Yes, sir.
Cosette:
But it's only because Papa's so unreasonable!
Jerry:
Jean, Don't you think it's time to let go? Cosette's a grown woman now, not some child. If you don't let her grow up, don't you think you'll be just as bad as Javert?
Valjean:
But this is a completely different situation…
Jerry:
is it? is it really?
Valjean:
Well, I suppose it is similar, but I have a right and responsibility as her guardian-
Javert:
And I have a right and responsibility as guardian of the law.
(Valjean and Javert glower at each other.)
Jerry:
Now, Cosette, did you know that there's another woman in Marius's life?
Cosette:
WHAT???
Marius:
WHAT?!?!?!?!?
Jerry:
Marius, you don't know who I'm taking about?
Marius:
No…
Jerry:
She says she dreams of you every night, and sees you almost every day. You don't have any idea?
(Cosette smacks Marius, much to the delight of the audience.)
Marius:
(rubbing his face) No! I swear! I don't see any women besides Cosette!
Jerry:
Well, let's see who it is then! Come on out!
(Eponine enters.)
(Marius frowns.)
Marius:
Ponine???
Jerry:
Ah Ha! So you do know her! Then how come just a second ago you said you don't see any other women?
(Cosette smacks Marius again.)
Marius:
Well, I just don't think about her… like that.
(Eponine smacks Marius.)
Eponine:
After all I've done for you! I'm still just a little boy???
Marius:
Well, you look like a little boy!
Male audience member:
Yeah, Ep, You do look like a boy. You and that Jav fellow should get together, cuz, like, there aint no way EITHER of you will get anyone better!
Audience:
oooooOOOOOooooo…
(Eponine smacks Marius again, and glowers at the audience member. Javert growls slightly at the comment. Marius's cheeks both are very red by this point.)
(Cosette is crying. Eponine is crying. Marius looks on the verge of tears. Valjean is in shock. Javert looks at the group like they're a bunch of idiots.)
Jerry:
Well, We may be able to help with that problem, Eponine.
Eponine:
huh?
Jerry:
A MAKEOVER!
(The audience cheers wildly, two hunks come and take Eponine away backstage, who is looking dazed and confused but happier.)
Jerry:
And while Eponine's getting her makeover back stage, we have one more obstacle in the way of Marius's and Cosette's love. It's not enough that Cosette's father won't let her grow up…
Valjean:
Hey!
Jerry:
It's not enough that Marius has another lover…
Marius:
She's not my lover!
Male audience member:
Yeah right!
(Cheers from audience.)
Jerry:
But Marius's friends do not approve of the love either. Let's welcome: The friends of the ABC!
(A bunch of Revolutionaries enter.)
(Enjolras looks around, spots Javert.)
Enjolras:
HEY! We were told there would be no police spies here!
Jerry:
I said there *may* not be officers here. I never said there wouldn't be.
(Enjolras sits, sulking, and the rest of the rebels follow suit.)
(Now Enjolras and the rebels are sulking, Javert is sulking, Valjean is sulking, Cosette is sulking, and Marius is just looking confused.)
Jerry:
Well, we didn't come here to discuss politics, we came here to talk about Marius. Now, Enjolras, why are you against the love of Marius and Cosette?
Enjolras:
We are soldiers of the Republic. We have no time for games of love, we need to keep our heads facing forward and stay alert. For the last few months, Marius has not been attending meetings often, and when he has, he sits in a corner and daydreams. About her. We have no room for this. He needs to decide: The Republic, or Cosette.
Jerry:
Isn't that pretty harsh? Aren't you supposed to be his friend? Can't you be supportive of his love? Haven't you ever been in love?
Enjolras:
Not while it interferes with our plans, no. I am in love with the Republic.
Female Audience member:
If the Republic dumps ya, gimme a call!
(Laughter from the audience.)
Cosette:
Yeah, Marius, It's them or me. Choose!
Marius:
Um… um…um…
(Marius glances from Enjolras to Cosette to Enjolras to Cosette.)
Javert:
I say you go for the girl, Marius. It's better than hanging out with those rebels, getting yourself killed for no reason.
Valjean:
Who asked you? Go with your friends, Marius, Doesn't your republic, the republic for the people, mean more to you than one girl?
Cosette:
Shut up, Papa, or, Jean, or whoever you are!
(Valjean looks hurt.)
Marius:
Um… ummmm…. Ummm…
Jerry:
And, while we're talking with the ABC friends… I've been notified that one of them has something he would like to say.
(Grantaire raises his hand nervously.)
Jerry:
Yes…
Grantaire:
Grantaire.
Jerry:
Yes, Grantaire, what was it you wanted to say?
Grantaire:
Just that - I know I'm a drunk, and an awful person, and I don't even deserve to be near this group of fine young men - but, but… I love you, Enjolras!
(The audience gasps and cheers. The people on the stage sit in a stunned silence.)
Enjolras:
Get away from me! You're drunk, you smell, and you're not welcome in this group any more! (he shudders)
(The audience booos.)
(Grantaire runs crying off stage.)
Jerry:
Now, let's welcome back Eponine, who went off earlier in the program to get made over by our makeup artists and fashion consultants back stage. Lets see a picture of Eponine before hand.
(A picture of Eponine is shown on the monitors. Her hair is dirty, messed-up, and mousy brown, she is wearing a shirt with holes in it and a pair of pants that are too small for her.)
Jerry:
Now, when Eponine looked like this, Marius told her she looked like a little boy. Let's see if she looks like a little boy now. Eponine Thenardier, come on out!
(Eponine enters. Her hair is cut and made into a nice wavy style, and has red highlights that shimmer in the light. She is wearing a slinky blue evening gown with a low neck and a long slit up one side. Also evidently a wonder bra. As she walks out, she smiles, all the men's eyes simultaneously bug out, the audience whoops and cheers, and Cosette growls.)
(Marius stands up to offer Eponine his seat, and stares at her in wonder. Cosette jumps up.)
(Cosette smacks Eponine)
Cosette:
How dare you come on here and try to take my boyfriend away from me!
(Eponine hits Cosette back)
Eponine:
I loved him LONG before you did!
Cosette: No you didn't!
Eponine:
Yes I did!
(They struggle, pulling hair and scratching. They then dive into a conveniently nearby mud wrestling pit and have at it. The security men watch hornily and don't even try to stop them.)
Female audience member:
Eponine, you're a no-good slut!
Male audience member:
Marius, you can do better than Cosette, she's such a ditz! Hey, barbie-girl! Didja know your chest is 10 times bigger than your brain?!?!)
Female audience member:
Hey, Javert! You look like the kinda fallow who can't get laid. You should hook up with barbie over there!
Javert:
'get laid'? What does this mean, 'get laid'?
(Valjean stands up)
Valjean:
YOU DON'T SAY THOSE THINGS ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!!!!!
(Javert pulls out a set of handcuffs and attempts to arrest Valjean, who picks up a chair and hits him over the head with it. Javert is unconscious. Valjean runs off.)
(Some audience members groan.)
Male audience member:
You go Jean! Go Jean! Go Jean! WOO!!!
(The rebels take advantage of the chaos to get all worked up, barricade the exits, and start firing guns in the air.)
(The audience panics, members run here and there trying to get out.)
(Javert re-awakens, looks around for Valjean, but is captured by revolutionaries.)
(The revolutionaries also capture Jerry, and make plans to shoot both him and Javert as soon as they can spare the ammunition, the national guard is attacking the barricaded studio.)
Jerry:
Next time on Jerry Springer - if there is a next time (*looking around pensively*) - Russian ax murderers and the women in their lives. Thank you for tuning in, good night.
|